There's Varmints in the City

Our little piece of urban-country was invaded by a varmint, probably a raccoon who attacked and killed two of our three chickens. Although we made the coop and hen house fully-enclosed, the chickens scratching at the ground began erroding underneath the enclosure in some places. I had been noticing that we should repack the earth in a few areas, but alas, that sneaky varmint took advantage of the lowered defenses and dug under the wire. Colin went to check for eggs and found the carnage. And carnage it was. Our sweet, beautiful Mille Fleur Bantam 'Peeper' and Auracana 'Rose' are gone. I will miss them. But before the sympathies start rolling in, let me say this. I am a farm-girl living in the city (I have been called 'a modern Laura Ingalls'), trying to create a bit of urban-country on our 50' by 100' lot. When 'Lucy' the hen turned out to be a 'Lucifer' I was all ready to eat that rooster. But the children begged to try Craigslist for a home and so we did. Though I was fond of the chickens, they had quit laying and truthfully were never great layers to begin with. We were planning on getting a new batch of chicks this spring and so this makes the transition a bit easier. Nature and it's power is evident even in the city. Kinda cool.

Unscheduled Blog Hiatus

It has been so long since I last post here. An unscheduled blog hiatus, if you will. There has been much to say, many thoughts and observations and events and finished crafts to blog. And yet, I cannot bring myself to record them here. Or anywhere for that matter. I compose them almost daily and they swirl, in my head, piling up into a hill of monumental porportions. And then, it is too late. There are too many. Lost in the abyss of my mind. And, my ponderings seem too bleak, too sad, too dark to subject anyone else to. This blog was meant to be a recording of fun and joy and lots of knitting. But... this is my life and this is my blog. So I will record my musings here, be they sad and full of sorrow. But I promise to throw in a bit of joy and crafting goodness, too.

In the wee hours of Christmas morn....

....the children were nestled all tucked in their beds. And a happy mama sighed, "Finished! All is well." Dough is rising in the fridge for cinnamon rolls in the morning. The gifts were all finished. There has been knitting and sewing- fingerless gloves for Colin, neck shrugs for the girls, wee mice for little friends to name just a few. This tired mama is off now to bed, to sleep for a bit until excited children wake me. Or rather, until an excited mama wakes her beloved children.

Happy Christmas.

Peace to All.

Good-bye November

I am not sad to see you go. November is a melancholy month for me, full of sorrowful memories.

Today, I received the beginnings of holiday shopping goodies in the mail. And one was for me. A gift I bought myself. Even though I have told my kids that they are not getting anything for themselves before Christmas. But, it was so pretty. Handmade. So I received this in the mail today, a Utili-Obi in a beautiful birdseed print. So lovely. And she sent along a free gift that took my breath away. A beautiful pendant strung on leather, "Fastidious" written on the back, bee collage on the front. A lovely, just for me. And a quilted sachet filled with lavender, the sweet smell filled my nose and soothed my soul. Thank you, bitterbetty (what a pair we are, bitterbetty and moodymama!) Not only am I thrilled with my Utili-Obi, but your lovely gift has left me speechless with gratitude. Buy Handmade for the Holidays!

The Pleasures of Food

I love food. I love to eat it, prepare it, share it with loved ones. Here are a few treasures I have discovered lately:

• Orangette and her fabulous Cranberry Chutney with Crystalized Ginger and dried Cherries (Yes, I know I mentioned this already, but is so very good)
• Arleta Library Bakery and Cafe- owned by a sweet family. The breakfast was fabulous- a perfect scramble and hash, homemade ketchup, thinly sliced grilled toast with Hubbard Squash and Bourbon Butter
• French Brie, arugula and pear, a delightful combination
• Coconut Mate Lattes from Townshend's Teahouse

Yum.

Giving Thanks

In no particular order, I am thankful for...

• sleep
• my little wiggle worm that makes me appreciate sleep
• mini dates with my husband
• wanting to go on mini dates with my husband
  
• my 13 yr. old who can babysit now
• Thanksgiving meal with dear friends right across the street
  
• good food (orangette's cranberry chutney is fabulous)
• having enough of everything
• a home of our own
• a daughter whose strength and will teach me so much about myself

Of course, there is so much more. Life is good.

Glimpses of Joy, Grace and Sorrow

Mike has conferences this week which means his schedule is wonky. He worked 13 hours yesterday and didn't get home until 8:45; he works from noon until 8pm tonight and tomorrow he works from 7:30 until noon. With his morning free, I was able to get our Thanksgiving groceries early, arriving as the stores were opening. By the time I was through, there were shoppers galore.

While at Trader Joe's, I saw one of my very first doula clients with her beautiful new baby boy. We had visited about a year ago at yet another Trader Joe's visit, when she shared her sorrow with me that she had been unable to have another child after suffering multiple miscarriages. She and her husband are such lovely people, great parents and one of my favorite couples I have worked with. I was delighted to see a wee babe in her arms this morning, just one month old. They became pregnant unexpectedly, after deciding to quit trying. She was able to have a beautiful homebirth with the same midwives I used and now they are a family of four. I am so thrilled for them. Seeing her and meeting her son made my day. I needed some joy today.

I have been feeling tenuous lately, teetering on the brink of tears most days. Some days I feel stronger and think I am moving into strength and then something, often small, tilts the scale and I am plunged back into sorrow. There is no one specific reason I can pinpoint, I am realizing I need to process some old, dormant sorrow. Sadness is bubbling underneath the surface. I am in the process of finding someone professional to help me work through this, but have yet to make the final connection and appointment. This is a vulnerable place to be. I hate feeling fragile. Hate feeling like any little thing will throw me off balance.

On a good note, Mike and I are doing really well. Things were really prickly for a while. We have moved into kindness and communicating well. We are being gracious with each other and enjoying each other's company. Walks to the coffee shop alone, a soak in the neighbor's hot tub, moments stolen alone soothe my soul. It is refreshing to experience even after 16 years of marriage. Can you believe we have been together for over half my lifetime? 19 years. He is my sweetheart, my best friend. I am thankful to be in this tender place with him.

The Work of Marriage

We have been together since I was 18, together for half of my lifetime. Married for 16 years, parents for almost 14. Now our littlest is 2 and I feel like I am emerging from the fog of being mama to a non-sleeping infant. To be deprived of restful sleep for so very long, I have forgotten what it is like to be rested, to think clearly, to have energy. Even now, some nights are more restful than others and then I am thrust once again into the mist.

But now, the fog is clearing and I can see this man, my husband beside me and though we live together and parent together, I found myself longing to feel connected to him again. To act like best friends once again, to cherish each other. Instead we have been acting like two duelers, circling each other with swords drawn, shields raised, trying to nick the other just enough to draw blood.

I have been irritated with him, he impatient with me. And neither of us willing to take that first step into kindness because we have been too busy protecting ourselves.

I am not one to let things go on as they are and so we have begun to have conversations, tough ones, emotional for me. And it is like we are speaking two different languages. He does not understand what I long for, emotional connection (how's that for female speak?), passion for our family, balance in how he spends his time. I try to communicate with different words. I am tenacious, dogged, stubborn that way. As I process, I have had some important realizations. Our years as parents have been largely traumatic and stressful. That is not to say that we have not have peaceful, joyful times, but five stressful, complicated pregnancies, three premature infants with NICU stays, the death of Gavin, even Caroline's healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and homebirth was fraught with worry and stress. We have been living in survival mode for almost 14 years. These last 2 almost three years have been the hardest. Juggling three children, crazed sleep-deprivation and I have been in survival mode with no energy left over to give much, if anything to him. No wonder he is shying away from me, I have been unavailable and out of touch for a long time.

But, we are able to begin to hear one another. To lower our shields. To trust each other and move into tenderness and kindness again. I am humbled to be with this man. To walk beside him. To be the recipient of his grace with me.

This is the work of marriage. The ebbs and flows, the peaks and valleys. It is difficult at times, but it is good.

I have four children

Our second son, Gavin Isaac was born 9 years ago today. Early, at 27 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 11.5 ounces. My pregnancy had been fraught with too many difficulties and problems to list here and the outcome was uncertain. The issues were with my body's ability to carry and maintain the pregnancy and he suffered those effects. After infection and 3 surgeries, it was all too much for his tiny body and he died at 2 weeks old. 14 days are not many to know one's child, but it was his lifetime and it is all we had. There were days when we were hopeful that he would one day come home to join our family; days when I was able to hold him on my chest and feel his warm body on mine and those were moments of joy and peace. Today, nine years later our family is remembering and honoring his memory and place in our family. There is a hole, a gap between Colin and Esther where Gavin belongs. I wonder what he would look like, who he would be, my little boy of nine. When I am asked the question, "How many children do you have?", that oh-so-dreaded question, for those of us who have lost a child, my heart still skips a beat. And I answer the question evasively, that I have a 13 yr. old son, and a 6 yr. old and 2yr. old daughter. Not wanting to deny Gavin's place in our family for he lives in our hearts.

I have four children. Three here on earth and one in the heavens. I know Gavin is happy and whole and healthy. I love him. I miss him.

Bonnets and Boots

I finished Hello Yarn's Top-down bonnet. I made it for wee C, but even though I thought I was compensating for my gauge being off, it turned out infant-sized. Oh, well. I gave it to a dear friend who just had a baby, so it's all good. It was fun and so easy. I hope to attempt the Sweet-baby Cap again. Hopefully I will get it this time.

I attempted to photograph my boots. Do you know how difficult it is to take a picture of boots while you are wearing them? My photography skills are sorely lacking. And I think I need new camera. I am thinking about the Nikon d40. We'll see.

Two

My baby is two. Wee C's second birthday was Thursday, the first of November. I can't believe she is two years old. I wanted to write a post on her birthday, but festivities, cupcake baking, etc. prevailed. My pregnancy and her birth were such an amazing gift. I was perfectly healthy, she was full-term and born at home. No illness, no preemie, no trauma to recover from. My feet-first girl continues to be a gift and a delight and I continue to be amazed at the new lessons I experience as a mother even though she is my third child at home.

I want to remember always how she tucks her hands under her body when she is snuggled in my arms. How sincerely and delightedly she will 'thank you!' many times a day. How she sings "Twinkle, twinkle little tar" and "Squirrelly, squirrelly shakey bushy tail." How she tucks her wisps of hair behind her ears. How she used to call her big brother 'Coly'. How the top of her head smells like a freshly mowed field of hay.

She is passionate and has a mind of her own, a happy and strong little girl. Even though she is the little one in our family, she reminds us that she has an opinion, too.

Happy birthday, wee C. I love you!

learning, living, breathing

I started a new homeschool blog with my dear friend Katie entitled learning, living, breathing to keep a record of our homeschooling days. Because we do not use a curriculum sometimes it is difficult to look back at the day and remember the lessons we learned. So this place is where we hope to chronicle our joys, struggles, projects, lessons, hopes and dreams. Life is for learning, living, breathing and taking one day at a time.

Boots

In my the description of myself (see left) I mention my crusade to find the perfect pair of boots. Last year it was definitely an obsession of mine Zappos made it easy to support that obsession with free shipping and returns. While I did find a great pair of black Campers that I love, this year I have been looking for a pair of brown boots. I have been considering Frye's Campus boots in Blazer Brown, but have not been convinced that these are the pair for me right now, though they are classic and kicka** cute, no? Last year I fell in love with a brown pair of Cydwoq's (the Verse), a handmade shoe company in CA, that I loved, but I was looking for black and they are, ahem, a costly shoe. But today, after meeting a dear friend for tea (at a lovely teahouse that was out of their fabulous Coconut Mate Lattes), I could not resist visiting the fabulous pedX shoe store directly across the street. Here is the short of it: I had money from a birth I am attending in my pocket; they had recently received their new models of Cydwoq boots; I tried on a pair of Winding; they fit; they had a nick in the leather resulting in a large discount. So, I bought them. Impulse? Maybe. Regrets? Not yet. I love them. I would still like to find a pair of used Campus someday, but for now my search has ended and the obsession is over. Moodymama is a Happymama today, feeling pretty sassy in her new boots.

Turning a Corner

Let's pretend it hasn't been over two months since my last post, shall we?

Wee C has slept from 10pm until 4:30am the past three nights. When we visited my sister and her family on their ranch last month, she slept through the night for the first time. Three nights in a row, almost eight hours a stretch. I tried not to get my hopes up, but they were, and quickly came crashing down as she returned to her 3 hour stretches. Then she got a bad cold, then I got a bad cold. Papa moved out of our room for a couple of weeks. And I wavered between being more frustrated because she has the ability to sleep through the night, and hopeful because she can sleep an 8 hour stretch without waking. So, I will count on nothing, hope for the best, and be thankful for the good nights.

Christmas is quickly approaching and my resolve to start this year's gifts last January has sadly not happened. There has been knitting on my needles. Not necessarily gift knitting, but knitting none the less. I took a Toe-up sock class at Twisted, my new favorite yarn store. Great women, great space and great yarn. I started a sock for C-boy, then quickly switched to a pair for Wee C as I realized how much knitting homework I would have to do. Chrissy Gardiner is a great teacher, the toe she taught is so easy it's brilliant. The class was fun and it was good to get to know my classmates.

I am still plugging away at my first Jaywalker. I am now on the foot, so in the home stretch. I hate this Jaywalker so, but I will not let it beat me. I will conquer it. Though I don't know why. I have decided I am not a fan of the chevron pattern. I don't know if I will have to keep these socks and wear them as they are my first socks, or give them away so I don't ever have to see them again.

Started a Sweet Baby Cap. It is giving me fits. I have had to frog more than a couple of times. My count has been off, and it looks funny to me, so I keep second-guessing the pattern. Not sure I want to continue, though I know once I get past this point it will be easy and it is so darn cute. Maybe I will just knit Hello Yarn's Top Down Bonnet instead.

September has been a rough month. Getting settled into a homeschooling routine has been hard. I had forgotten how much time homeschooling a first grader can be. When C-boy was in first grade, he was my only child, and now there are three, so that counts for part of it. E is not enjoying her one day homeschool program that she attends on Mondays. The transition from Montessori to Waldorf has been difficult and has just the new people and places. She is going through a very insecure phase right now, wanting to be with me all the time and not wanting to try new things. It has been hard. Thank goodness for my dear friend who is homeschooling her second grader. Her daughter comes to our house on Tuesday for school and E goes there on Thursday. That has been fun and wonderful. We are taking one day at a time.

I did make it to the Oregon Flock and Fiber. It was great to see the Blue Moon Fiber Arts in real life, I bought too much variegated sock yarn. But it sure is pretty. We went kidless and though that was great, the kids would have loved seeing the goats and sheep. Maybe next year. I won a raffle prize for the first time ever. I received a voice mail on Sunday that I could pick it up that day anytime until 9pm. I thought that sounded late, so I called back and was reassured that someone would be there until 9pm. So E and I headed out on our 40 minute drive (one way) to pick up my drop spindle or original Elizabeth Zimmermann newsletters (the lady didn't know which one). When we arrived at 8pm no one was there. We walked around looking for an organizer, but found only the last few vendors packing up who said the others had left. I called the lady back again who apologized and said they would send it to me. Well, it has been three weeks and I still haven't received anything. I will call in a week or two to see what is happening.

Wee C and I are heading to Eugene to visit dear friends. I need the break. I am looking forward to spending time knitting and being mama to only one child.

Good-bye Harry Potter

We purchased the seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the way home from the wedding. I started reading it Sunday night and finished it yesterday. My children weren't too neglected. They were all fed and dressed. Luckily, our dear friend and neighbor girl was here to play and wee C took a very good nap, so I don't feel too guilty. I finished reading last night and I am happy to report that I was pleased with the book. J.K. Rowling was respectful of her characters and readers both and I think wrote a respectable closure to the Harry Potter tale. I am grateful. Thanks, J. K.!

I am now free to devote August to Childbirth Educator certification requirements, sewing and enjoying the last month of summer. Here's hoping that my homework is completed quickly and easily.

What we do for Family

I come from a large family of eight kids and I am the oldest. All of our names begin with 'T' and I was dubbed 'Big T' by our dad. The nickname has been adopted by friends, too, not sure why that is as I am not particularly 'big'. But I like the reminder of my place in the sibling order.

My sister and sibling #6, was married this past Sunday at a small ceremony in the woods. It was a lovely chance to gather with all eight of the sibs and many members of our family. With so many of us, it is rare for all 8 of us to gather together, though we do try once or twice a year.

Here are we eight T's all together. There are more picture's over at flicker. Check out the picture of my three brother's shirtless. I must say, they are all hotties!The past month has been busy with planning, shopping, sewing and baking, all in preparation for this wedding. Even though they wanted a casual, small, picnic-like affair in a park by the river, there are still many detail to be planned and carried out. I volunteered to bake cupcakes for the affair, which turned out to have more guests than any of us anticipated, a little over 100. Cupcakes for 100, I baked 166 in all! Whew. I survived, and learned a lot. And would do it again with all I know now. Tips: cupcakes freeze well; unwrap before thawing, which takes about 1 1/2 hours; piping frosting goes really quickly; you can purchase cupcake carriers from your local grocery bakery, making transportation a breeze. They were cute and everyone seemed to like them.


The little girls outfits were sewn by myself and my mom. I made the shirts, one niece's skirt and one for myself. My mom made the babies' dresses, bloomers and tiered skirts. We used fabric from Denyse Schmidt's Katie Jump Rope collection. They looked so very cute. We neglected to get a group photo of the cousin's all dressed up, but here are a few photos of a few garments, worn and alone. Don't the girls look adorable?

Rain

I am soaked to the bone, sitting here savoring the coolness that thunderstorms bring. I just walked home from my favorite restaurant with a dear friend in the pouring rain. And it was so much fun. I felt like a little girl, we laughed all the way home. And it felt delicious after a hot sticky day.

We returned home from the coast yesterday, after camping in a yurt for four days and three nights. And, diehard tent campers though we are, it was luxurious to have a dwelling to stand up in and to be able to sleep in a real bed. A step up from car-camping, and a real treat. We recommend it. It was good to get out of town, away from obligations here and spend time with the kids. They are growing so quickly, each into their own individuals (and are they ever unique individuals.)

The week ahead will be a busy one. My sister is getting married next Sunday and I am making 150 cupcakes for the casual event. Wish me luck.

And if you are looking for a great restaurant in SE Portland, check out the Country Cat. It is a fabulous place, now open for lunch Wednesday-Friday and a fabulous brunch on Saturday and Sunday. No, I am not biased, they are dear friends. Ok, maybe just a little, but they are wonderful folks and amazingly talented. Love them!

Summer

is here in full swing. Hubby has been home for the second week now, cleaning and organizing the basement and building bike racks to hold our growing collection of bikes. It is nice to have him around.

The kids are enjoying neighborhood friends. I love having the kids play together all day, bouncing back and forth between homes. Fun summer nights culminating in a Ya Hala meal shared between two families and kids occupied enough to allow the adults a soak in the hottub. (Yes, all were properly attired.)

I had maybe the best birthday ever. My dear sister and her whole family were in town for an unexpected visit and were able to be here to celebrate my birthday with me. She and I got up early on Saturday for a walk up Mt. Tabor, then a trip to Portland Farmer's Market. The lovely birthday ended with a barbeque here with many members of my family and good friends. Good food, loved ones and chocolate cake- what more could a girl ask for?

I am now on a yeast-free, sugar-free diet. What fun is that, you ask? No fun at all. But I hope to curtail my sugar cravings and step into a healthier eating pattern. But, geez, it's summer and it is so hard to refrain from eating all the fruits of the season. A month, only a month.

I finished my 2 nieces shirts in time for them to try them on while they were here, so the hems would be proper length. The girls are going to look so cute together. Sister #4 (#6 sibling) will be getting married on July 22nd and we are just beginning all of the preparations. It will be so fun to have all of my brothers and sisters and many cousins together for the celebration.

I know my posting has been sporadic. Some of it is the dread of posting pix which for me takes a lot more time. Some if it is having serious musings which are difficult for me to put into words here on this blog. I am not sure how much posting I will be doing here, but will hopefully get into the routine of checking in. We'll see.

Happy Summer, everyone!

Boring

My life is boring. Or at least, everyone else's life seems so much more exciting than mine. I would rather read about other's life adventures and projects than blog about my lack of.

Knitting is going slowly. Still on jaywalker #1. Not sure I really like the pattern. Next socks will be either a plain sock or Monkey. No other projects on the needles.

Insteak, I have been sewing. I made a shirt for E and for lil' C. Peasant style. Cute, but the pattern needs a bit of tweaking. I made a skirt for E yesterday. My friend bought a skirt for her daughter from a children's clothing boutique- it is so cute. A simple a-line with elastic in the back. So, I made a pattern and whipped out a skirt in a couple of hours. Now I need to make one for myself.

Dh's biking obsession has bitten me a wee bit. Rode to Portland Farmer's Market on Saturday with a friend. It was so much fun. I really want to incorporate bicycle commuting into our lives. Good for health, for the environment, for the entire family. Now I want a mixte- so cute!

C just got braces. He totally looks like a teenager. He is growing so fast! Went to outdoor school last week and his class campout this week. Plus copping a wee bit of attitude. All normal signs of growing up.

Two more weeks of school for E. Three for C. I am looking forward to summer and not driving as much. The garden is planted. Peas, tomatoes, lettuce, squash, carrots, onions, cukes. No beans. Why? 'Cause I hate them, that's why. We will have raspberries for the first time. Blueberries and Jonagold apples. Let's see how much food we can cram on our 50' by 100' lot. Yippee!

Sleepy Musings

This morning, a dear friend and I had a discussion about my current state of frustration with my energies- physical, psychological, emotional, relational. From her perspective, and it is true, I am making this choice to be crazily sleep-deprived, to breastfeed and co-sleep with 18mo. old Caroline. I and the rest of my family are effected tremendously, deeply at times. And yet, I believe so strongly in how I am mothering Caroline right now, meeting her needs and am not ready or willing to make a different choice, even if it seems like the rest of my family may be suffering. It was a hard discussion, though good to bring into my consciousness the confirmation that I am making this choice, both Mike and I are. It is our choice, right now, won't be like this forever, just a small blip in my/our lives.

Another dear friend sent me this today:

Musings on the Benefits of Sleep Deprivation
by Gina Qualliotine


Seeing sunrises

Seeing the moon

Dreaming more and remembering dreams more

More fluidity between dreams and waking state

More moments to hang out consciously still half in a dream state

Breakdown of more conventional notions/experience of time

Breakdown of selfishness, learning to be of service with joy

Breakdown of expectations of "if I don't get such and such hours of
continuous sleep I feel terrible the next day. " In reality, sometimes
you feel terrible, and sometimes, or for some moments, you don't


Bringing up of deep shadow material, the parts of oneself that
prove definitively that you have more in common with axe murderers
than you ever before realized


Hearing the first bird of the morning begin her song

Nursing in the beautiful shades of light of twilight, midnight,
wee hours and dawn


Truly valuing sleep when you do get it

Getting to know the night noises of your home, family, neighborhood

Watching other family members sleep, beautiful innocent children all

Humorous "one down man-ship" discussions with one's partner about
who's getting more sleep, rest, working harder, etc.


Solidarity with mothers everywhere

Solidarity with those who are sleepless everywhere, many for harder
reasons than that they are caring for a precious babe


Sitting in peaceful quiet

Being in touch with the exact time of the early morning when you
can start to hear the birds


Interesting midnight snacks

Feeling such gratitude to my Mother for all the sleep I "deprived"
her of and the fact that she didn't view it that way


Learning what fatigue can feel like in my body, exactly where do I
feel it?--


Learning presence (rather than thinking of the past (last night
when you didn't sleep) or the future (tonight when you probably
won't either) being compelled to be aware of the present moment,
precious, singular, and spacious.


Learning not to expect in the daytime to be able to do what I
always do at the pace I always do it. Learning to slow down and do
things at a pace that I can be happy doing them or at least more
comfortable

She had no idea how much I needed to hear this today. These mama musings, plus this remind me this choice is worth it.