In Memory of

Done on his birthday.

Gavin's Birthday

.... is today. He would have been 10.

We will remember him today, together as a family. We will light a candle, go out to one of our favorite spots for breakfast, participate in a lantern walk tonight through the Rhododendron Gardens with Esther's schoolmates- the children have all made lanterns. It is a quiet, solemn walk with some singing, but mostly in silence. A peaceful way to conclude his birthday.

10 years later, the raw sting of sorrow has faded. But still, during this stormy season, the sorrow surfaces and he feels closer. And I welcome the reminder.

A poem....

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.


~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

In the Forging Fires....

.... is where I have been.

Coming home after our spring break visit those many long months ago, I slipped into depression and overwhelm and discontent with myself and my life. I have since been in the forging fires- melting away defenses and beliefs I have held for so long. Peeling away the layers of defense so I can see clearly the patterns and behaviors for that they really are, so I can make the changes I want and need to make. I have much more work to do, but am on the path I need to be, with the support I need to help me find my way. Life has not stood still, all this time. With three children, life is busy and full of joys, too. So, I am finding my way back here, to chronicle my journey once more. It is good to be back.

Crooked Creek Ranch- Day 3

I milked a cow! And I didn't do too badly my first time, I think. Though Dave did notice in the picture the white milk puddle on the ground which means I missed the bucket. It was fun and novel, though I am not sure if I would like it to be my every day chore. Betty is raising two calves and only half her bag works. A regular milk cow would need to be milked morning and evening, so Tami is glad that for now, she only needs to milk when she wants milk for her family.

With some of Betty's milk, Tami and I tried our hand at cheesemaking. The process seems fairly easy, if time consuming. We combined two recipes we found online for Farmer's Cheese. The main differences being the amount of rennet used and the time it needed to set up. All of the steps went according to the directions. We achieved a 'clean break', separated the curds from the whey, added some garlic and chives, tied it up to drain and put it in Tami's makeshift cheese press. We think it will be a bit rubbery rather than the soft cheese we are hoping for. We'll see tomorrow morning.

Cooking for a combined family of 10 is a full time job. As soon as one meal is eaten and cleared away, it is time to prepare another. And there is always a hungry child asking for something to eat. Because they live so far away from town, they stock up on groceries once a month. So, if they are out of something, they do without, or look for creative alternatives. The peanut butter cookies had vanilla bean seeds instead of extract, we are rationing the butter and eggs, and there were some apples not fit for eating fresh, so I made an apple pie yesterday. Chicken soup for supper, apple pie with whipped cream, yum. But I am glad that tomorrow will be a left-over day. No cooking of baking for me on our last day here.

My girls got to ride Sadie today. Caroline's first ride went splendidly. She loved it and cried for another turn. Esther is serious about learning to ride and wants to be let loose on her own. Tami gave her some gentle instruction in the corral and Esther felt like she was riding by herself. She accepted the lesson and directions from Tami with seriousness and determination and no fussing.

We decided to stay an extra day. The weather is beautiful, so the kids can play and visit one more day. OK, so I can stay and play and visit another day. We will head home Friday morning early.

Crooked Creek Ranch- Day 2

This morning dawned cold and clear. The temperature fell to 11 degrees last night. Today's plan was to stretch wire for the fence while the kids played. Though we really only get short spurts of time to focus on the fence before we are needed by one of the children. 

Colin accompanied Uncle Dave and Isabel to irrigate the meadows. Dave drives a team of horses, pulling a flat bed wagon loaded with manure. The manure is spread on the fields, forming dams to move the water where it is needed to go. It is an art to be able to move water uphill, and I am told, Dave is especially gifted at the task. Colin said the experience was 'interesting' and though he isn't necessarily ready to choose a career in irrigation, I think I could convince him to help out again.

There is always work to do here. My sister is the hardest working woman I know. But, she loves this life and the opportunity to work side-by-side with her husband and children, to ride and work with her horses, to roam this beautiful country. 

Life moves at a different pace here, slower and more simply. These things I am enjoying today- cousins playing together, conversations with my dear sister, fresh air and land for my children to roam and run on. 

Spring Break Ranch Visit- Day 1

I wasn't sure this was going to happen, a Spring Break visit to my sister's ranch. I was sick last week, the first week of vacation and didn't think I could make the trip. But then I rallied and decided I would rather have the kids in a different environment and with playmates then stuck in the house at home for a week. And I kind of felt like I owed them, being sick and grumpy all last week. Anyway, we left Sunday morning and had a really peaceful trip. The kids were wonderful, Caroline was a super traveler. The ranch is in Jordan Valley, OR. The trip took 7 1/2 hours and we traveled through intermittent snow flurries to arrive at suppertime.

The girls and I accompanied Tami to do the nighttime chores, feeding the milk cows and giving a bottle to a mother-less calf. Caroline was so excited to see the cows and Esther fed the calf a bottle. 

This morning Esther and Grace took off to explore. They have full access to the ranch and are able to roam and run as they please. After breakfast all the kids went down to the creek to play while I helped Tami stretch wire on her fence for her new, huge garden area. The babies played in the dirt under the sunny skies. 

Tami has a milk cow, a new endeavor for her. We started churning some butter in an antique churn. It took longer than we thought, but we all took turns turning the crank. We ended up with about 1 cup of butter and will try it on baked potatoes for supper tonight.

This afternoon, Esther went with Tami, Grace and Reuben to 'work some cows' on horseback. They were gone for over two hours. This was Esther's first substantial ride and I was worried she would get bored and start whining to come home. But Tami said she was a trooper and didn't complain at all. She had a great time. While they were away, Isabel and I made peanut butter cookies, while Colin began preparing potato cakes.

The view out the back is beautiful. The creek runs through the meadow under the  watch of the snow-covered hills. The nights are magical, with the stars shining bright in the clear, icy, inky air. I am glad to be here.

Not again

Yesterday at our Palm Sunday Service, real palm fronds are available for the children to wave as they sing and then can be folded into a beautiful cross. As I was holding Caroline, she poked me in the right eye with the cross. Who knew Palm Sunday celebrations could be dangerous? My vision was blurred yesterday, but I could function. I was able to ride my bike to a brunch date with my husband to possibly the perfect breakfast spot. And some sewing of Easter dresses on my serger (which totally rocks!). But then discomfort and difficulty keeping it open and it is deja vu all over again (my left eye was scratched by the other daughter in December.) Well, at least I know what to expect. Today I will be having lots of snuggle time with wee C in bed as I rest my eye as much as possible. Tomorrow, hopefully I will be almost back to normal. I have two dresses to sew this week!

There's Varmints in the City

Our little piece of urban-country was invaded by a varmint, probably a raccoon who attacked and killed two of our three chickens. Although we made the coop and hen house fully-enclosed, the chickens scratching at the ground began erroding underneath the enclosure in some places. I had been noticing that we should repack the earth in a few areas, but alas, that sneaky varmint took advantage of the lowered defenses and dug under the wire. Colin went to check for eggs and found the carnage. And carnage it was. Our sweet, beautiful Mille Fleur Bantam 'Peeper' and Auracana 'Rose' are gone. I will miss them. But before the sympathies start rolling in, let me say this. I am a farm-girl living in the city (I have been called 'a modern Laura Ingalls'), trying to create a bit of urban-country on our 50' by 100' lot. When 'Lucy' the hen turned out to be a 'Lucifer' I was all ready to eat that rooster. But the children begged to try Craigslist for a home and so we did. Though I was fond of the chickens, they had quit laying and truthfully were never great layers to begin with. We were planning on getting a new batch of chicks this spring and so this makes the transition a bit easier. Nature and it's power is evident even in the city. Kinda cool.

Unscheduled Blog Hiatus

It has been so long since I last post here. An unscheduled blog hiatus, if you will. There has been much to say, many thoughts and observations and events and finished crafts to blog. And yet, I cannot bring myself to record them here. Or anywhere for that matter. I compose them almost daily and they swirl, in my head, piling up into a hill of monumental porportions. And then, it is too late. There are too many. Lost in the abyss of my mind. And, my ponderings seem too bleak, too sad, too dark to subject anyone else to. This blog was meant to be a recording of fun and joy and lots of knitting. But... this is my life and this is my blog. So I will record my musings here, be they sad and full of sorrow. But I promise to throw in a bit of joy and crafting goodness, too.