Good-bye November

I am not sad to see you go. November is a melancholy month for me, full of sorrowful memories.

Today, I received the beginnings of holiday shopping goodies in the mail. And one was for me. A gift I bought myself. Even though I have told my kids that they are not getting anything for themselves before Christmas. But, it was so pretty. Handmade. So I received this in the mail today, a Utili-Obi in a beautiful birdseed print. So lovely. And she sent along a free gift that took my breath away. A beautiful pendant strung on leather, "Fastidious" written on the back, bee collage on the front. A lovely, just for me. And a quilted sachet filled with lavender, the sweet smell filled my nose and soothed my soul. Thank you, bitterbetty (what a pair we are, bitterbetty and moodymama!) Not only am I thrilled with my Utili-Obi, but your lovely gift has left me speechless with gratitude. Buy Handmade for the Holidays!

The Pleasures of Food

I love food. I love to eat it, prepare it, share it with loved ones. Here are a few treasures I have discovered lately:

• Orangette and her fabulous Cranberry Chutney with Crystalized Ginger and dried Cherries (Yes, I know I mentioned this already, but is so very good)
• Arleta Library Bakery and Cafe- owned by a sweet family. The breakfast was fabulous- a perfect scramble and hash, homemade ketchup, thinly sliced grilled toast with Hubbard Squash and Bourbon Butter
• French Brie, arugula and pear, a delightful combination
• Coconut Mate Lattes from Townshend's Teahouse

Yum.

Giving Thanks

In no particular order, I am thankful for...

• sleep
• my little wiggle worm that makes me appreciate sleep
• mini dates with my husband
• wanting to go on mini dates with my husband
  
• my 13 yr. old who can babysit now
• Thanksgiving meal with dear friends right across the street
  
• good food (orangette's cranberry chutney is fabulous)
• having enough of everything
• a home of our own
• a daughter whose strength and will teach me so much about myself

Of course, there is so much more. Life is good.

Glimpses of Joy, Grace and Sorrow

Mike has conferences this week which means his schedule is wonky. He worked 13 hours yesterday and didn't get home until 8:45; he works from noon until 8pm tonight and tomorrow he works from 7:30 until noon. With his morning free, I was able to get our Thanksgiving groceries early, arriving as the stores were opening. By the time I was through, there were shoppers galore.

While at Trader Joe's, I saw one of my very first doula clients with her beautiful new baby boy. We had visited about a year ago at yet another Trader Joe's visit, when she shared her sorrow with me that she had been unable to have another child after suffering multiple miscarriages. She and her husband are such lovely people, great parents and one of my favorite couples I have worked with. I was delighted to see a wee babe in her arms this morning, just one month old. They became pregnant unexpectedly, after deciding to quit trying. She was able to have a beautiful homebirth with the same midwives I used and now they are a family of four. I am so thrilled for them. Seeing her and meeting her son made my day. I needed some joy today.

I have been feeling tenuous lately, teetering on the brink of tears most days. Some days I feel stronger and think I am moving into strength and then something, often small, tilts the scale and I am plunged back into sorrow. There is no one specific reason I can pinpoint, I am realizing I need to process some old, dormant sorrow. Sadness is bubbling underneath the surface. I am in the process of finding someone professional to help me work through this, but have yet to make the final connection and appointment. This is a vulnerable place to be. I hate feeling fragile. Hate feeling like any little thing will throw me off balance.

On a good note, Mike and I are doing really well. Things were really prickly for a while. We have moved into kindness and communicating well. We are being gracious with each other and enjoying each other's company. Walks to the coffee shop alone, a soak in the neighbor's hot tub, moments stolen alone soothe my soul. It is refreshing to experience even after 16 years of marriage. Can you believe we have been together for over half my lifetime? 19 years. He is my sweetheart, my best friend. I am thankful to be in this tender place with him.

The Work of Marriage

We have been together since I was 18, together for half of my lifetime. Married for 16 years, parents for almost 14. Now our littlest is 2 and I feel like I am emerging from the fog of being mama to a non-sleeping infant. To be deprived of restful sleep for so very long, I have forgotten what it is like to be rested, to think clearly, to have energy. Even now, some nights are more restful than others and then I am thrust once again into the mist.

But now, the fog is clearing and I can see this man, my husband beside me and though we live together and parent together, I found myself longing to feel connected to him again. To act like best friends once again, to cherish each other. Instead we have been acting like two duelers, circling each other with swords drawn, shields raised, trying to nick the other just enough to draw blood.

I have been irritated with him, he impatient with me. And neither of us willing to take that first step into kindness because we have been too busy protecting ourselves.

I am not one to let things go on as they are and so we have begun to have conversations, tough ones, emotional for me. And it is like we are speaking two different languages. He does not understand what I long for, emotional connection (how's that for female speak?), passion for our family, balance in how he spends his time. I try to communicate with different words. I am tenacious, dogged, stubborn that way. As I process, I have had some important realizations. Our years as parents have been largely traumatic and stressful. That is not to say that we have not have peaceful, joyful times, but five stressful, complicated pregnancies, three premature infants with NICU stays, the death of Gavin, even Caroline's healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and homebirth was fraught with worry and stress. We have been living in survival mode for almost 14 years. These last 2 almost three years have been the hardest. Juggling three children, crazed sleep-deprivation and I have been in survival mode with no energy left over to give much, if anything to him. No wonder he is shying away from me, I have been unavailable and out of touch for a long time.

But, we are able to begin to hear one another. To lower our shields. To trust each other and move into tenderness and kindness again. I am humbled to be with this man. To walk beside him. To be the recipient of his grace with me.

This is the work of marriage. The ebbs and flows, the peaks and valleys. It is difficult at times, but it is good.

I have four children

Our second son, Gavin Isaac was born 9 years ago today. Early, at 27 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 11.5 ounces. My pregnancy had been fraught with too many difficulties and problems to list here and the outcome was uncertain. The issues were with my body's ability to carry and maintain the pregnancy and he suffered those effects. After infection and 3 surgeries, it was all too much for his tiny body and he died at 2 weeks old. 14 days are not many to know one's child, but it was his lifetime and it is all we had. There were days when we were hopeful that he would one day come home to join our family; days when I was able to hold him on my chest and feel his warm body on mine and those were moments of joy and peace. Today, nine years later our family is remembering and honoring his memory and place in our family. There is a hole, a gap between Colin and Esther where Gavin belongs. I wonder what he would look like, who he would be, my little boy of nine. When I am asked the question, "How many children do you have?", that oh-so-dreaded question, for those of us who have lost a child, my heart still skips a beat. And I answer the question evasively, that I have a 13 yr. old son, and a 6 yr. old and 2yr. old daughter. Not wanting to deny Gavin's place in our family for he lives in our hearts.

I have four children. Three here on earth and one in the heavens. I know Gavin is happy and whole and healthy. I love him. I miss him.

Bonnets and Boots

I finished Hello Yarn's Top-down bonnet. I made it for wee C, but even though I thought I was compensating for my gauge being off, it turned out infant-sized. Oh, well. I gave it to a dear friend who just had a baby, so it's all good. It was fun and so easy. I hope to attempt the Sweet-baby Cap again. Hopefully I will get it this time.

I attempted to photograph my boots. Do you know how difficult it is to take a picture of boots while you are wearing them? My photography skills are sorely lacking. And I think I need new camera. I am thinking about the Nikon d40. We'll see.

Two

My baby is two. Wee C's second birthday was Thursday, the first of November. I can't believe she is two years old. I wanted to write a post on her birthday, but festivities, cupcake baking, etc. prevailed. My pregnancy and her birth were such an amazing gift. I was perfectly healthy, she was full-term and born at home. No illness, no preemie, no trauma to recover from. My feet-first girl continues to be a gift and a delight and I continue to be amazed at the new lessons I experience as a mother even though she is my third child at home.

I want to remember always how she tucks her hands under her body when she is snuggled in my arms. How sincerely and delightedly she will 'thank you!' many times a day. How she sings "Twinkle, twinkle little tar" and "Squirrelly, squirrelly shakey bushy tail." How she tucks her wisps of hair behind her ears. How she used to call her big brother 'Coly'. How the top of her head smells like a freshly mowed field of hay.

She is passionate and has a mind of her own, a happy and strong little girl. Even though she is the little one in our family, she reminds us that she has an opinion, too.

Happy birthday, wee C. I love you!