Sleepy Musings

This morning, a dear friend and I had a discussion about my current state of frustration with my energies- physical, psychological, emotional, relational. From her perspective, and it is true, I am making this choice to be crazily sleep-deprived, to breastfeed and co-sleep with 18mo. old Caroline. I and the rest of my family are effected tremendously, deeply at times. And yet, I believe so strongly in how I am mothering Caroline right now, meeting her needs and am not ready or willing to make a different choice, even if it seems like the rest of my family may be suffering. It was a hard discussion, though good to bring into my consciousness the confirmation that I am making this choice, both Mike and I are. It is our choice, right now, won't be like this forever, just a small blip in my/our lives.

Another dear friend sent me this today:

Musings on the Benefits of Sleep Deprivation
by Gina Qualliotine


Seeing sunrises

Seeing the moon

Dreaming more and remembering dreams more

More fluidity between dreams and waking state

More moments to hang out consciously still half in a dream state

Breakdown of more conventional notions/experience of time

Breakdown of selfishness, learning to be of service with joy

Breakdown of expectations of "if I don't get such and such hours of
continuous sleep I feel terrible the next day. " In reality, sometimes
you feel terrible, and sometimes, or for some moments, you don't


Bringing up of deep shadow material, the parts of oneself that
prove definitively that you have more in common with axe murderers
than you ever before realized


Hearing the first bird of the morning begin her song

Nursing in the beautiful shades of light of twilight, midnight,
wee hours and dawn


Truly valuing sleep when you do get it

Getting to know the night noises of your home, family, neighborhood

Watching other family members sleep, beautiful innocent children all

Humorous "one down man-ship" discussions with one's partner about
who's getting more sleep, rest, working harder, etc.


Solidarity with mothers everywhere

Solidarity with those who are sleepless everywhere, many for harder
reasons than that they are caring for a precious babe


Sitting in peaceful quiet

Being in touch with the exact time of the early morning when you
can start to hear the birds


Interesting midnight snacks

Feeling such gratitude to my Mother for all the sleep I "deprived"
her of and the fact that she didn't view it that way


Learning what fatigue can feel like in my body, exactly where do I
feel it?--


Learning presence (rather than thinking of the past (last night
when you didn't sleep) or the future (tonight when you probably
won't either) being compelled to be aware of the present moment,
precious, singular, and spacious.


Learning not to expect in the daytime to be able to do what I
always do at the pace I always do it. Learning to slow down and do
things at a pace that I can be happy doing them or at least more
comfortable

She had no idea how much I needed to hear this today. These mama musings, plus this remind me this choice is worth it.

Shedir!

Shedir
Yarn: Rowan Calmer Onyx- a wee more than 1 skein
Needles: sz. 3
Modifications: 8 rows of ribbing and only 4 pattern repeats

Really, how does one photograph one's self flatteringly???

So glad to be finished so I can move on to other projects. Namely Jaywalkers on 2 circs. And I have been drooling over the new colors at Blue Moon for a Chevron Scarf for myself. I just cannot decide on which colors.

Bought some fat quarters at Bolt for more baby bibs. I will try to post pics when I have have some finished. My cousin just had a baby girl yesterday, so Emma Rose should be receiving a couple of these in the near future.
Wee C is a happy girl- very fun right now. Her vocabulary is exploding as is her ability to self-entertain. Yay!

This weekend is a big one for me. I am attending the first weekend of my Childbirth Education Training which will enable me to teach childbirth classes. The training is through the local midwifery school. I am excited and nervous, too. I hope my family survives without me.

Yes, I'm back

We have spent the week trying to get back in the groove. Our trip to Joshua Tree, CA was good. Not great, but it was really good to get away with our family and friends. I feel like my brain got a vacation from the pressures of my life at home, but my body did not get the rest I was hoping for. The drive down was fine. We succumbed and purchased a portable dvd player and it was quite helpful. As much as I would like to live in nostalgia and I think, 'by george, we didn't have dvd players in the car when I was a kid, my kids won't either!', it actually kept my squirly, squirmy, high-energy girls- wee C, too- occupied, thereby allowing dh and I to have a fairly peaceful drive. I mean, it is almost 1000 miles, one way and we make the drive one-way in 2 days. So, we compromised our ideals a wee bit.

I did not get as much knitting done on the drive, or the whole 'vacation' as I would like, go figure. I sat in the back with the girls so I could help keep the peace, reading stories- 'Up, up, up' by Dr. Suess is lil' C's fave. I started the Jaywalker twice and ripped it out twice. My tension was off and I think I need to knit the smaller size. I got a bit tired of Jaywalker and my lack of progress, so started Shedir on the way home. It is a great pattern, lots of wee cables and twists and Rowan Calmer is a dream to knit with, very soft and forgiving. I am so glad I know how to cable without a needle. Grumperina has a great tutorial. Check it out. She is brilliant. I am still working on Shedir, it is not a quick knit, just a lovely one I recommend.

The weather was colder than we have had in year's past. It was lovely and warm the day we arrived in the park, Sunday. Sunny on Monday, but the wind picked up in the afternoon and it howled all night. Dh and C were sleeping under dh's handmade tarp tent and it flapped all night. The girls and I were fine, but I worried about my boys and it was noisy, so I didn't sleep well. Tuesday morning was really windy and cloudy so we headed to town for supplies. As we arrived back in camp after lunch, it was still windy and cold- cold enough to snow and snow it did. We stayed in the car while the kids watched a dvd, I knit and the snow fell for about an hour or so and stuck enough to make for a lovely scene. It was kind of fun, acutally, though I never ventured out into the flurries. The rest of the week was cool and pretty breezy. Thursday it was clear and the wind blew itself out so we had a quiet last night. Friday was beautiful and calm and warm, much more typical for this time of year. Aah, well. We did not get as much climbing done because of the weather, but we did get to do some. I climbed on Thursday, a climb I have done before, but when I was in my best climbing shape, many years ago. And, I got to the top! I had to rest a bit, but it was kind of like riding a bike, my body remembered and I did much better than I thought I could. So that felt great. We got to hang out with our dear friends from Eugene. And got better aquainted with a family from pdx. They are good climbers and a great family, we enjoyed their company very much. E had fun with their 3 yr. old tri-lingual son. His papa speaks Finish to him, his mama speaks Vietnamese to him, and they speak English to each other so it was really fun to listen and ask questions. It was great for my kids to hang out with a multi-cultural family and hear their stories.

I am trying to examine my life right now and figure out how to best spend my time. I am not sure what I want this blog to be. An online personal journal, a light-hearted crafty knitty blog, or some sort of combination. What and why and who am I doing this for. There are so many amazing writers, crafters, knitters and bloggers out here in cyberspace. The list of my favorites is wayyyy toooo long. I am such a perfectionist and feel that I am falling quite short of my blogging aspirations. We will see what the future brings for moody mama and her musings.

I leave you with a few pictures from our trip.