Glimpses of Joy, Grace and Sorrow

Mike has conferences this week which means his schedule is wonky. He worked 13 hours yesterday and didn't get home until 8:45; he works from noon until 8pm tonight and tomorrow he works from 7:30 until noon. With his morning free, I was able to get our Thanksgiving groceries early, arriving as the stores were opening. By the time I was through, there were shoppers galore.

While at Trader Joe's, I saw one of my very first doula clients with her beautiful new baby boy. We had visited about a year ago at yet another Trader Joe's visit, when she shared her sorrow with me that she had been unable to have another child after suffering multiple miscarriages. She and her husband are such lovely people, great parents and one of my favorite couples I have worked with. I was delighted to see a wee babe in her arms this morning, just one month old. They became pregnant unexpectedly, after deciding to quit trying. She was able to have a beautiful homebirth with the same midwives I used and now they are a family of four. I am so thrilled for them. Seeing her and meeting her son made my day. I needed some joy today.

I have been feeling tenuous lately, teetering on the brink of tears most days. Some days I feel stronger and think I am moving into strength and then something, often small, tilts the scale and I am plunged back into sorrow. There is no one specific reason I can pinpoint, I am realizing I need to process some old, dormant sorrow. Sadness is bubbling underneath the surface. I am in the process of finding someone professional to help me work through this, but have yet to make the final connection and appointment. This is a vulnerable place to be. I hate feeling fragile. Hate feeling like any little thing will throw me off balance.

On a good note, Mike and I are doing really well. Things were really prickly for a while. We have moved into kindness and communicating well. We are being gracious with each other and enjoying each other's company. Walks to the coffee shop alone, a soak in the neighbor's hot tub, moments stolen alone soothe my soul. It is refreshing to experience even after 16 years of marriage. Can you believe we have been together for over half my lifetime? 19 years. He is my sweetheart, my best friend. I am thankful to be in this tender place with him.