Sleepy Musings

This morning, a dear friend and I had a discussion about my current state of frustration with my energies- physical, psychological, emotional, relational. From her perspective, and it is true, I am making this choice to be crazily sleep-deprived, to breastfeed and co-sleep with 18mo. old Caroline. I and the rest of my family are effected tremendously, deeply at times. And yet, I believe so strongly in how I am mothering Caroline right now, meeting her needs and am not ready or willing to make a different choice, even if it seems like the rest of my family may be suffering. It was a hard discussion, though good to bring into my consciousness the confirmation that I am making this choice, both Mike and I are. It is our choice, right now, won't be like this forever, just a small blip in my/our lives.

Another dear friend sent me this today:

Musings on the Benefits of Sleep Deprivation
by Gina Qualliotine


Seeing sunrises

Seeing the moon

Dreaming more and remembering dreams more

More fluidity between dreams and waking state

More moments to hang out consciously still half in a dream state

Breakdown of more conventional notions/experience of time

Breakdown of selfishness, learning to be of service with joy

Breakdown of expectations of "if I don't get such and such hours of
continuous sleep I feel terrible the next day. " In reality, sometimes
you feel terrible, and sometimes, or for some moments, you don't


Bringing up of deep shadow material, the parts of oneself that
prove definitively that you have more in common with axe murderers
than you ever before realized


Hearing the first bird of the morning begin her song

Nursing in the beautiful shades of light of twilight, midnight,
wee hours and dawn


Truly valuing sleep when you do get it

Getting to know the night noises of your home, family, neighborhood

Watching other family members sleep, beautiful innocent children all

Humorous "one down man-ship" discussions with one's partner about
who's getting more sleep, rest, working harder, etc.


Solidarity with mothers everywhere

Solidarity with those who are sleepless everywhere, many for harder
reasons than that they are caring for a precious babe


Sitting in peaceful quiet

Being in touch with the exact time of the early morning when you
can start to hear the birds


Interesting midnight snacks

Feeling such gratitude to my Mother for all the sleep I "deprived"
her of and the fact that she didn't view it that way


Learning what fatigue can feel like in my body, exactly where do I
feel it?--


Learning presence (rather than thinking of the past (last night
when you didn't sleep) or the future (tonight when you probably
won't either) being compelled to be aware of the present moment,
precious, singular, and spacious.


Learning not to expect in the daytime to be able to do what I
always do at the pace I always do it. Learning to slow down and do
things at a pace that I can be happy doing them or at least more
comfortable

She had no idea how much I needed to hear this today. These mama musings, plus this remind me this choice is worth it.