.... is what I need. It creeps up on me and then when Caroline (enough with the psuedonyms) has a bad night, it tips me over the edge. I forgot that. We both had the stomach virus, she nursed exclusively for over a week and then had a few restless, cranky nights. My body is taxed. I don't even feel sleepy until it's too late- until I am melting down and don't know why and then I realize I am exhausted. So.... I am focusing on getting more sleep. Who am I kidding, I will not get 'enough' until she is night-weaned. We probably won't get to implement a 'sleep plan' until summer. So for now, I need just enough to keep my sanity. Am needing to back off on obligations, again. Less computer time, too. I get soooo sucked into other people's lives and accomplishments. Then I don't need to focus on my own, I guess. Hope I didn't freak anyone out! I am feeling much better.
On a brighter note. We are planning on heading to Southern California for Spring Break. I am so looking forward to a roadtrip to the desert. Well, actually being in the desert sounds wonderful, but driving there with a one-year old is a bit freaky. So, here's to getting through March- a birth, preschool auction and planning and packing for a week-long camping trip and looking forward to hanging with my family and friends, sunny weather, lots of knitting (jaywalkers, cable hat for Caroline and lace scarf is on my list)and listening to my new red ipod my honey got me for valentine's day.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
treading water
...just trying to stay afloat. or have i fallen off the tight rope, unable to find my balance and catch myself? i have found myself thinking that anti-depressants don't sound so bad. today i self-medicated with caffeine, yes, 2 shots in a light-vanilla-latte. i am bone-weary, not tired or sleepy, just so very weary. i hate feeling out of control, unstable, sucked dry. spending too much time deep in my head, trying to find my way out. snapping too often at my dear children when they need something. where, oh where has my patience gone??? i know that everyone is tip-toeing around me right now. i remember tip-toeing around my mother. hate that i am reminding myself of her, back then. don't like this part of myself- don't like what i see. my family is getting the worst of me- truly my crap. i am not resigned to always being here in this place, just don't know how to climb out of the pit. i can see the light, just don't know what will pull me out. but i know i will get there. i see glimpses, glimmers of who i want to be . i will come back to health, will be whole again. i need some time for myself, which is hard to say- ask for, because the brunt falls on dear husband, who gives so much. i am already away for obligations, but that time is spent giving, giving- to others, which takes away from my family. i have overcommitted again, i need to let go of obligations. to remember that unless i am bored out of my head friggin' head, just say 'no'! unless it is just for me. for fun, for fulfillment, for some peace.
more ponderings. trying to figure out what kind of birth work i should be doing right now, if any. questioning my doula work, my cbe training. and then.... 3 inquiries in a week, 2 vbacs. wanting me? maybe. i find myself wanting to talk with them, to support them, i am passionate about this work. but not sure i have the energy. does it deplete me or recharge me? maybe both. maybe not right now, but i see that it can be both.
i am truly grateful for what i have. for a husband who loves me in spite of myself. for my three sweet children who do the same. for my health, my home. for dear friends who understand.
see, i feel better already.
more ponderings. trying to figure out what kind of birth work i should be doing right now, if any. questioning my doula work, my cbe training. and then.... 3 inquiries in a week, 2 vbacs. wanting me? maybe. i find myself wanting to talk with them, to support them, i am passionate about this work. but not sure i have the energy. does it deplete me or recharge me? maybe both. maybe not right now, but i see that it can be both.
i am truly grateful for what i have. for a husband who loves me in spite of myself. for my three sweet children who do the same. for my health, my home. for dear friends who understand.
see, i feel better already.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Juggling
Always juggling. One person or another's desires and demands or needs. Yesterday it felt like I was in the car all day, running 'hither and to'. One child dropped off here, another there. Groceries, gift returns, naturopath appointments, preschool board meetings. Nursing breaks, eating on the go- I want my life to slow down, to be able to be in the moment, to enjoy and cherish the now. Priorities are constantly on shuffle mode, the plan changes moment by moment. Like right now, Caroline woke up while I was laying her down for her nap. I was looking forward to some peace and quiet to..... clean? eat breakfast? knit? vaccuum? the possibilities were endless. So... regroup, plan 'b' or is it 'c' or 'd'? I am not a naturally flexible, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. But I am learning this lesson. I will learn this lesson, by george. I know I am not alone in this daily, moment by moment dance. Here's to sisterhood. Now I am off to change clothes and take my baby out for a walk and enjoy this beautiful day, and cherish the now.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Wildfire
It swept through like wildfire. A norovirus we think. While dear sister and her family were here. We had a huge family gathering the day before, and yes, it swept through the extended family, too. My dad, his girlfriend, 2 sisters, 1 brother, a boyfriend, 2 nieces, brother-in-law, 2 nieces, 2 cousins, myself, lil' C and C-boy- about half of us. It is interesting to see who this virus spared. E was perky and healthy in the midst of all of us sickies.
We are now on the mend. Though lil' C is still recovering. She was the first to succumb. It is heartbreaking to have a baby who is vomiting. The look in her eyes as she threw up over and over, not knowing what was going on, shaking her head saying 'no, no', broke my mama's heart. She has not eaten much for 6 days, relying on mama's milk for her sustenance and comfort. It is not enough to sustain her though, and she is losing those delightful baby rolls. It is unnerving how quickly she has shrunk, how tiny she looks right now. She is noticably lighter, too.
On a lighter note, we had a wonderful time with my sister and her family (well, until the virus, that is). It was such a treat to have them staying with us. My kids love hers, they pair off well. I absolutely adore them all and wish desperately that we lived closer.
We are now on the mend. Though lil' C is still recovering. She was the first to succumb. It is heartbreaking to have a baby who is vomiting. The look in her eyes as she threw up over and over, not knowing what was going on, shaking her head saying 'no, no', broke my mama's heart. She has not eaten much for 6 days, relying on mama's milk for her sustenance and comfort. It is not enough to sustain her though, and she is losing those delightful baby rolls. It is unnerving how quickly she has shrunk, how tiny she looks right now. She is noticably lighter, too.
On a lighter note, we had a wonderful time with my sister and her family (well, until the virus, that is). It was such a treat to have them staying with us. My kids love hers, they pair off well. I absolutely adore them all and wish desperately that we lived closer.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Happy Endings are the Best
Chocolate, red wine, popcorn, a sappy, romantic chick flick seen with a dear friend- what could be better? A rare treat, a movie seen at my local theater within walking distance. No kids, just me and my friend who I heart very much. Mindless, sappy, happy-endings are the best. Yes, I cried. I admit I am weepy. I mean, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, for crying-out-loud. It was just what I needed.
Dear sister and her family are coming in to town to stay with us this weekend. All 8 of us siblings will be together for a belated christmas gathering. I still have a few knitting projects to finish. Yes, evenn though I had an additional month and a half to complete them, I am still cutting it close. I knit 2 hats, some fingerless gloves, a bonnet for my niece (which I hate- the yarn, the pattern, the colors- oh, well, live and learn, maybe I can salvage it, still). We will all gather at my brother's house, all 23+ of us for a holiday brunch and gift exchange. I am excited to see my dear sister, we are close and only get to see each other a few times a year.
Other news... on the marmalade front, four batches later, I still love the stuff. The grapefruit was a bit too firm, but tart and yummy. I am still learning the cooking/pectin process. The third batch is my favorite- Organic Navel Orange, perfect consistency and balance of flavors. My chef friend said, and I quote, "thats the best damn marmalade I have had!" I had a fleeting thought that I might be able to market the stuff. But it is sooo time consuming. I did purchase some of June Taylor's from a local gourmet food store and, really, I and dh, like mine better. I prefer very little pith, just pieces of sweet citrus peel. It truly tastes like a spoonful of sunshine.We will see if the love affair continues.
Happy weekend, everyone!
Dear sister and her family are coming in to town to stay with us this weekend. All 8 of us siblings will be together for a belated christmas gathering. I still have a few knitting projects to finish. Yes, evenn though I had an additional month and a half to complete them, I am still cutting it close. I knit 2 hats, some fingerless gloves, a bonnet for my niece (which I hate- the yarn, the pattern, the colors- oh, well, live and learn, maybe I can salvage it, still). We will all gather at my brother's house, all 23+ of us for a holiday brunch and gift exchange. I am excited to see my dear sister, we are close and only get to see each other a few times a year.
Other news... on the marmalade front, four batches later, I still love the stuff. The grapefruit was a bit too firm, but tart and yummy. I am still learning the cooking/pectin process. The third batch is my favorite- Organic Navel Orange, perfect consistency and balance of flavors. My chef friend said, and I quote, "thats the best damn marmalade I have had!" I had a fleeting thought that I might be able to market the stuff. But it is sooo time consuming. I did purchase some of June Taylor's from a local gourmet food store and, really, I and dh, like mine better. I prefer very little pith, just pieces of sweet citrus peel. It truly tastes like a spoonful of sunshine.We will see if the love affair continues.
Happy weekend, everyone!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
And then there were two...
Yesterday was E's 6th birthday. Yes, she was born the day after C-boy's birthday. I tried to tell her the story of her birth, telling her the details of what was happening at a particular time six years ago, but she wasn't too thrilled. She said if she wanted to know about it she could have a baby herself- not sure she was going to have a baby because it would probably hurt, and she has LOOONG time to think about it, so 'mama stop!'
Her birth was actually the most enjoyable of all of my births. It began gently in the wee hours of the morning. Contractions every 5 minutes for an hour, so it must be time! Called dear friend Tessa who had a 2 hour drive. My naturopath was my labor support, and she headed over about 4am. By the time she arrived, the contractions had slowed, of course, so we all went to bed. I had 3 hours of solid sleep, surprisingly. Up at 8 and we had a lovely, leisurely breakfast of eggs, sausage and cinnamon rolls ( I still remember that) while I labored at home, surrounded by loved ones. My little taste if homebirth before heading off to the hospital. Arrived at 10 am and 5cm and my gentle labor continued. I truly enjoyed the labor, standing throughout most of it until the very end, at 2pm giving birth kneeling on the bed. My water finally broke just as she was crowning and she was caught by my ND as my gracious perinatologist allowed her to. E was whisked away to be checked by the NICU team. She was born early, at 35 weeks and weighed 4 pounds 5 ounces, big for my babies. The sound of her crying, even across the room, was sweet music to our ears. They gave her back to me a few mintues later and I held her for about an hour before she had to go to the NICU. Their protocol for 35 weekers was to admit them. My greatest regret was letting her go- not questioning "protocol". I thought she would be observed for a bit and then we would get her back. Or at the most for a few days. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks before we could take her home. I still remember sobbing on the bathroom floor because she was screaming in her isolette while under the bili lights. I hate that NICU. 4 or 5 babes to a nurse. Shuffled around so I wouldn't know where she was one day to the next. She responded to the different nurses differently, liking some, but not others. One was convinced the had reflux, but E only responded that way with her. I was there every day, all day long, only heading home for sleep and to spend time with C and dh. It is still like a bad dream. I feel nauseous every time I think about it. Finally, we were able to get her home and never looked back.
We celebrate both C-boy and E last night with a couple of families. Pizza for 20, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and lemon pound cake. Whose idea was it to make pizza for 20? Fun was had by all. I actually think we have two teens in the house because she sure acts like she is going on 16! Happy Birthday, Esther! I love you.
Her birth was actually the most enjoyable of all of my births. It began gently in the wee hours of the morning. Contractions every 5 minutes for an hour, so it must be time! Called dear friend Tessa who had a 2 hour drive. My naturopath was my labor support, and she headed over about 4am. By the time she arrived, the contractions had slowed, of course, so we all went to bed. I had 3 hours of solid sleep, surprisingly. Up at 8 and we had a lovely, leisurely breakfast of eggs, sausage and cinnamon rolls ( I still remember that) while I labored at home, surrounded by loved ones. My little taste if homebirth before heading off to the hospital. Arrived at 10 am and 5cm and my gentle labor continued. I truly enjoyed the labor, standing throughout most of it until the very end, at 2pm giving birth kneeling on the bed. My water finally broke just as she was crowning and she was caught by my ND as my gracious perinatologist allowed her to. E was whisked away to be checked by the NICU team. She was born early, at 35 weeks and weighed 4 pounds 5 ounces, big for my babies. The sound of her crying, even across the room, was sweet music to our ears. They gave her back to me a few mintues later and I held her for about an hour before she had to go to the NICU. Their protocol for 35 weekers was to admit them. My greatest regret was letting her go- not questioning "protocol". I thought she would be observed for a bit and then we would get her back. Or at the most for a few days. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks before we could take her home. I still remember sobbing on the bathroom floor because she was screaming in her isolette while under the bili lights. I hate that NICU. 4 or 5 babes to a nurse. Shuffled around so I wouldn't know where she was one day to the next. She responded to the different nurses differently, liking some, but not others. One was convinced the had reflux, but E only responded that way with her. I was there every day, all day long, only heading home for sleep and to spend time with C and dh. It is still like a bad dream. I feel nauseous every time I think about it. Finally, we were able to get her home and never looked back.
We celebrate both C-boy and E last night with a couple of families. Pizza for 20, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and lemon pound cake. Whose idea was it to make pizza for 20? Fun was had by all. I actually think we have two teens in the house because she sure acts like she is going on 16! Happy Birthday, Esther! I love you.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Teen in the House
C-boy is 13 today. Such a lovely boy growing in to such a lovely young man. He is loving and gentle, still tender with his mama, telling me he loves me, kissing me good-night every evening. I love seeing him becoming his own person, able to stand up in this household of strong personalities. I am so humbled when he advocates for himself with me while still being calm and respectful (I can be a bit, shall we say, passionate, though he says "cranky sometimes"). His spirit calms me. He is a bit introvertive- needs a lot of alone time, and yet has a few very good friends and likes to engage my friends in conversation- he may be more at ease with adults than kids his own age, sometimes- reminds me of myself. His beginning was scary- his birth an emergency cesarean- I had pre-eclampsia, so he had to be born too early, at 32 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces. Tiny, but a fighter, really just needing to grow, no other complications. Scary, though, to be thrust into parenthood this way, into the world of NICU and the machines beeping and buzzing all around our tiny son. I was too ill to see him until his third day of life, his papa stepping into fatherhood alone, fiercely protective and advocating for his boy. And now.... thirteen years later, I can barely believe that we are here now, watching him become a young man of integrity and honor and so creative. I am so proud of him, so proud to be his mama. Happy Birthday Colin. I love you.
Here are a few of his creations. He is self-taught. Pipe Cleaners are his medium. He has been making these since he was little. Really, the details are amazing.
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