Sleep....

.... is what I need. It creeps up on me and then when Caroline (enough with the psuedonyms) has a bad night, it tips me over the edge. I forgot that. We both had the stomach virus, she nursed exclusively for over a week and then had a few restless, cranky nights. My body is taxed. I don't even feel sleepy until it's too late- until I am melting down and don't know why and then I realize I am exhausted. So.... I am focusing on getting more sleep. Who am I kidding, I will not get 'enough' until she is night-weaned. We probably won't get to implement a 'sleep plan' until summer. So for now, I need just enough to keep my sanity. Am needing to back off on obligations, again. Less computer time, too. I get soooo sucked into other people's lives and accomplishments. Then I don't need to focus on my own, I guess. Hope I didn't freak anyone out! I am feeling much better.

On a brighter note. We are planning on heading to Southern California for Spring Break. I am so looking forward to a roadtrip to the desert. Well, actually being in the desert sounds wonderful, but driving there with a one-year old is a bit freaky. So, here's to getting through March- a birth, preschool auction and planning and packing for a week-long camping trip and looking forward to hanging with my family and friends, sunny weather, lots of knitting (jaywalkers, cable hat for Caroline and lace scarf is on my list)and listening to my new red ipod my honey got me for valentine's day.

treading water

...just trying to stay afloat. or have i fallen off the tight rope, unable to find my balance and catch myself? i have found myself thinking that anti-depressants don't sound so bad. today i self-medicated with caffeine, yes, 2 shots in a light-vanilla-latte. i am bone-weary, not tired or sleepy, just so very weary. i hate feeling out of control, unstable, sucked dry. spending too much time deep in my head, trying to find my way out. snapping too often at my dear children when they need something. where, oh where has my patience gone??? i know that everyone is tip-toeing around me right now. i remember tip-toeing around my mother. hate that i am reminding myself of her, back then. don't like this part of myself- don't like what i see. my family is getting the worst of me- truly my crap. i am not resigned to always being here in this place, just don't know how to climb out of the pit. i can see the light, just don't know what will pull me out. but i know i will get there. i see glimpses, glimmers of who i want to be . i will come back to health, will be whole again. i need some time for myself, which is hard to say- ask for, because the brunt falls on dear husband, who gives so much. i am already away for obligations, but that time is spent giving, giving- to others, which takes away from my family. i have overcommitted again, i need to let go of obligations. to remember that unless i am bored out of my head friggin' head, just say 'no'! unless it is just for me. for fun, for fulfillment, for some peace.

more ponderings. trying to figure out what kind of birth work i should be doing right now, if any. questioning my doula work, my cbe training. and then.... 3 inquiries in a week, 2 vbacs. wanting me? maybe. i find myself wanting to talk with them, to support them, i am passionate about this work. but not sure i have the energy. does it deplete me or recharge me? maybe both. maybe not right now, but i see that it can be both.

i am truly grateful for what i have. for a husband who loves me in spite of myself. for my three sweet children who do the same. for my health, my home. for dear friends who understand.

see, i feel better already.

Juggling

Always juggling. One person or another's desires and demands or needs. Yesterday it felt like I was in the car all day, running 'hither and to'. One child dropped off here, another there. Groceries, gift returns, naturopath appointments, preschool board meetings. Nursing breaks, eating on the go- I want my life to slow down, to be able to be in the moment, to enjoy and cherish the now. Priorities are constantly on shuffle mode, the plan changes moment by moment. Like right now, Caroline woke up while I was laying her down for her nap. I was looking forward to some peace and quiet to..... clean? eat breakfast? knit? vaccuum? the possibilities were endless. So... regroup, plan 'b' or is it 'c' or 'd'? I am not a naturally flexible, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. But I am learning this lesson. I will learn this lesson, by george. I know I am not alone in this daily, moment by moment dance. Here's to sisterhood. Now I am off to change clothes and take my baby out for a walk and enjoy this beautiful day, and cherish the now.

Wildfire

It swept through like wildfire. A norovirus we think. While dear sister and her family were here. We had a huge family gathering the day before, and yes, it swept through the extended family, too. My dad, his girlfriend, 2 sisters, 1 brother, a boyfriend, 2 nieces, brother-in-law, 2 nieces, 2 cousins, myself, lil' C and C-boy- about half of us. It is interesting to see who this virus spared. E was perky and healthy in the midst of all of us sickies.

We are now on the mend. Though lil' C is still recovering. She was the first to succumb. It is heartbreaking to have a baby who is vomiting. The look in her eyes as she threw up over and over, not knowing what was going on, shaking her head saying 'no, no', broke my mama's heart. She has not eaten much for 6 days, relying on mama's milk for her sustenance and comfort. It is not enough to sustain her though, and she is losing those delightful baby rolls. It is unnerving how quickly she has shrunk, how tiny she looks right now. She is noticably lighter, too.

On a lighter note, we had a wonderful time with my sister and her family (well, until the virus, that is). It was such a treat to have them staying with us. My kids love hers, they pair off well. I absolutely adore them all and wish desperately that we lived closer.

Happy Endings are the Best

Chocolate, red wine, popcorn, a sappy, romantic chick flick seen with a dear friend- what could be better? A rare treat, a movie seen at my local theater within walking distance. No kids, just me and my friend who I heart very much. Mindless, sappy, happy-endings are the best. Yes, I cried. I admit I am weepy. I mean, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, for crying-out-loud. It was just what I needed.

Dear sister and her family are coming in to town to stay with us this weekend. All 8 of us siblings will be together for a belated christmas gathering. I still have a few knitting projects to finish. Yes, evenn though I had an additional month and a half to complete them, I am still cutting it close. I knit 2 hats, some fingerless gloves, a bonnet for my niece (which I hate- the yarn, the pattern, the colors- oh, well, live and learn, maybe I can salvage it, still). We will all gather at my brother's house, all 23+ of us for a holiday brunch and gift exchange. I am excited to see my dear sister, we are close and only get to see each other a few times a year.

Other news... on the marmalade front, four batches later, I still love the stuff. The grapefruit was a bit too firm, but tart and yummy. I am still learning the cooking/pectin process. The third batch is my favorite- Organic Navel Orange, perfect consistency and balance of flavors. My chef friend said, and I quote, "thats the best damn marmalade I have had!" I had a fleeting thought that I might be able to market the stuff. But it is sooo time consuming. I did purchase some of June Taylor's from a local gourmet food store and, really, I and dh, like mine better. I prefer very little pith, just pieces of sweet citrus peel. It truly tastes like a spoonful of sunshine.We will see if the love affair continues.

Happy weekend, everyone!

And then there were two...

Yesterday was E's 6th birthday. Yes, she was born the day after C-boy's birthday. I tried to tell her the story of her birth, telling her the details of what was happening at a particular time six years ago, but she wasn't too thrilled. She said if she wanted to know about it she could have a baby herself- not sure she was going to have a baby because it would probably hurt, and she has LOOONG time to think about it, so 'mama stop!'

Her birth was actually the most enjoyable of all of my births. It began gently in the wee hours of the morning. Contractions every 5 minutes for an hour, so it must be time! Called dear friend Tessa who had a 2 hour drive. My naturopath was my labor support, and she headed over about 4am. By the time she arrived, the contractions had slowed, of course, so we all went to bed. I had 3 hours of solid sleep, surprisingly. Up at 8 and we had a lovely, leisurely breakfast of eggs, sausage and cinnamon rolls ( I still remember that) while I labored at home, surrounded by loved ones. My little taste if homebirth before heading off to the hospital. Arrived at 10 am and 5cm and my gentle labor continued. I truly enjoyed the labor, standing throughout most of it until the very end, at 2pm giving birth kneeling on the bed. My water finally broke just as she was crowning and she was caught by my ND as my gracious perinatologist allowed her to. E was whisked away to be checked by the NICU team. She was born early, at 35 weeks and weighed 4 pounds 5 ounces, big for my babies. The sound of her crying, even across the room, was sweet music to our ears. They gave her back to me a few mintues later and I held her for about an hour before she had to go to the NICU. Their protocol for 35 weekers was to admit them. My greatest regret was letting her go- not questioning "protocol". I thought she would be observed for a bit and then we would get her back. Or at the most for a few days. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks before we could take her home. I still remember sobbing on the bathroom floor because she was screaming in her isolette while under the bili lights. I hate that NICU. 4 or 5 babes to a nurse. Shuffled around so I wouldn't know where she was one day to the next. She responded to the different nurses differently, liking some, but not others. One was convinced the had reflux, but E only responded that way with her. I was there every day, all day long, only heading home for sleep and to spend time with C and dh. It is still like a bad dream. I feel nauseous every time I think about it. Finally, we were able to get her home and never looked back.

We celebrate both C-boy and E last night with a couple of families. Pizza for 20, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and lemon pound cake. Whose idea was it to make pizza for 20? Fun was had by all. I actually think we have two teens in the house because she sure acts like she is going on 16! Happy Birthday, Esther! I love you.

Teen in the House

C-boy is 13 today. Such a lovely boy growing in to such a lovely young man. He is loving and gentle, still tender with his mama, telling me he loves me, kissing me good-night every evening. I love seeing him becoming his own person, able to stand up in this household of strong personalities. I am so humbled when he advocates for himself with me while still being calm and respectful (I can be a bit, shall we say, passionate, though he says "cranky sometimes"). His spirit calms me. He is a bit introvertive- needs a lot of alone time, and yet has a few very good friends and likes to engage my friends in conversation- he may be more at ease with adults than kids his own age, sometimes- reminds me of myself. His beginning was scary- his birth an emergency cesarean- I had pre-eclampsia, so he had to be born too early, at 32 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces. Tiny, but a fighter, really just needing to grow, no other complications. Scary, though, to be thrust into parenthood this way, into the world of NICU and the machines beeping and buzzing all around our tiny son. I was too ill to see him until his third day of life, his papa stepping into fatherhood alone, fiercely protective and advocating for his boy. And now.... thirteen years later, I can barely believe that we are here now, watching him become a young man of integrity and honor and so creative. I am so proud of him, so proud to be his mama. Happy Birthday Colin. I love you.
Here are a few of his creations. He is self-taught. Pipe Cleaners are his medium. He has been making these since he was little. Really, the details are amazing.

Marmalade Love

Dh has marmalade on toast every morning, and has been for the past few years. So I have been buying him various kinds of marmalade, some better than others, he says. As I watched C-boy slathering his pbj with the strawberry freezer jam I made last summer, I was struck by a couple of thoughts: 'I could make marmalade' and 'why haven't I ever made some?' Well, I really don't like marmalade and citrus season is in mid-winter when I am not necessarily thinking about canning. But, here we are, smack in the middle of prime citrus season, so off I go to my canning books and the internet to find "the best marmalade recipe ever" to make for dh. And, I think I found it. June Taylor makes her preserves in Berkley and has a world-wide cult following. I was able to find a few of her marmalade recipes online, being the cyber-sleuth that I am. She makes her own pectin from the membranes and seeds of the fruit and uses a lower amount of sugar in a process that can only be called a labor of love. As I love dh and a food challenge, I made a batch of Satsuma Marmalade during one of our snow days this week. Again, I don't like marmalade, it's bitter, pithy taste with large chunks of peel and membrane, but- I LOVE this marmalade. The citrus segments removed from their membrane with thin slices of peel floating in the bright citrus-y goodness accented by the sweet-tang of meyer lemon. YUM. I am in love. It didn't jel as much as I would like, I will do a few things differently next time, but it is luscious. I think so anyway, and so does dh. I do want to order some of June Taylor's to compare as she is the jam goddess, but for now, I have a new obsession. Today I will attempt Pink Grapefruit-Meyer Lemon. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

SNOW!

Is anything more fun than a snow day?!? I have had a grin on my face since I got out of bed this morning. School is cancelled, after we had already decided to stay home and play, but dh had already left for school on his bike. Yes, on his bike, 10 miles in the snow, what a stud. They cancelled after he arrived, so he headed back home via MAX and his bike again. Uncle T made a surprise visit for snowball fun and breakfast, a special treat. So now we sit, enjoying the soft, white view from our front window, listening to Sam Phillips. Snow doesn't happen here very often, so it is quite a treat. Even for a 36 yr-old mama-of-three. "Yay, God!" said E. I couldn't agree more. Off to sled with my children, walk to the coffee shop, and play in the snow, snow, snow.

Sick Day

E is sick today. We have spent the morning lounging on the couch watching Narnia and Samantha. Lil' C is fighting the same thing and grumpy and clingy. I am grumpy, too. Not sure if it is because of needy girls or because of the elimintation diet I started this week. Usually by day 5 I am feeling great. It has been hard eating nothing but protein and vegetables, especially when there are chocolate chip cookies and dh's fabulous cranberry-nut bread in the house. We have 2 family weddings coming this summer and I, too would like to look fabulous in a dress, plus this holiday season I gave myself permission to eat as I wanted and neglect my exercise. I feel so much healthier when I am eating the way that is right for me- no wheat or sugar, low carbs. But I LOVE food. And reading Ruth Reichl this week has been no help at all. I want to be her when I grow up. She describes food with such amazing detail. Alas, I am not. So... I am going to call my sister for a pep talk to help me avoid eating the tater tots coming out of the oven. They are organic and a vegetable, right?

New Year's Socks 101

One of my goals for the year 2007 was to knit socks. Larissa's Socks 101 Test-along allowed me to accomplish that goal already!

Pattern: Socks 101 Test-along
Yarn: Manos del Uruguay #53 Mulberry
Size: Women's Medium- 32st.
Needles: US 10 dpn

Manos del Uruguay wool is luscious to knit with. The pattern was fun and easy and is a great first sock to knit before tiny-gauge sock knitting. Once again, thanks, Larissa!

I can't believe this is my first post in the new year. I have pictures of my knitted gifts, but have yet to post them here. I have so many past posts in my head that I wish I could have actually blogged. Uploading photos and blogging takes more time that I can devote right now, but I hope to become more adept and speedy.

Here is part of what keeps me so busy.....lil' C is such a climber. We can't keep her off the table, couch, in the bathroom sink playing in the water, or the ladder to the bunks. We have been taking the ladder off during the day, but sometimes forget. She managed to fall through the top rung the other day and was hanging by her head, yes, head. Luckily, I heard the thump and ran in the bedroom to swoop her up. She is fine other than a bruise on her forehead. I think I sprouted 10 more gray hairs with that one. I would not be at all surprised if I am completely white by the time she is 5!

Cold here, well cold for our town. There is a possibility of snow. It has been many years since we have had a real snow. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.....

'Twas the night before Christmas

The children are nestled, all tucked in their beds. Happy holidays, everyone on this Holy Night. Peace to you all.

Wooly Christmas Ornaments

I was so inspired by Handknit Holidays- I just love that book. I wanted to make oodles of little felted ornaments for everyone I love. Thought it would be a great project with the kidlets. Originally, my plan was to get the roving from the source the author used, but my mil has a friend with sheep, so she got some actual wool straight from the sheep's back and gave it to me.
Dyeing with Kool-aid was fun, my hands turned funky colors and our house smelled like fruit-punch for a few days.

Felting uncarded wool turned out to be not as neat and easy as with roving, the balls are not as firm and symmetrical or smooth as those pictured in the pattern, and after a day of felting balls, many mishapen, we lost our steam. But, we did make enough to make a few ornaments yesterday for e's teachers and they turned out like this:

Sooo cute, I am re-inspired. I have a pile of dyed wool to make more. And there is a possibility that the woman who gave me the wool will card it for me.

Am in the throes of holiday preparation, knitting when I can get the chance. I was perusing here and wondering how these super-star knitting mamas can do it all and here (scroll down to Oct. 12) is cmeknit's answer. If only I could knit from 8 until midnight, but I head to bed with lil'c and she is such a crappy sleeper, I need all the z's I can get. And, I just am not a super fast knitter. Someday I will be a super-knitter, too.

Sorrow in the air

Sorrow is in the air, all around. Today is the 1st birthday of my dear friend's daughter who died when she was just over 1 month old. Another dear friend's cherished neighbor died yesterday after a very brief battle with cancer. This same df lost her father to cancer this summer. Dear friend Tessa's dh lost his grandmother, their dog died and ds injured his foot, all in the same week- they too are weary with sorrow. And then the Kim family....

So many questions unanswered, that most enormous question of "Why?"

And yet, joy infuses my soul alongside my sorrow, creating clarity and a crispness that comes from knowing great suffering. I light a candle or two in honor and memory of cherished loved one's deaths and to remember those who love them. I can only trust and have faith that God is taking care of us all.

Peace to you all.

Unexpected sorrow

My heart is heavy with sorrow for the death of James Kim, a man I do not now and yet his loss touches both dh and I as it has for so many others. He sacrificed his life to save his family. His death is a tragedy. I can't imagine the regrets his widow, Kati must have and the questions she must be asking herself. The Kim family is in our prayers. We wish you peace.

Chillin'

Just sitting here, enjoying the after-effects of a glass of wine, some dark chocolate and a soak in our neighbor's hot tub on a chilly winter's evening. It is so nice to sit here, with no one demanding anything of me. e is asleep on the couch, lil' c is in bed. Aah, sweet silence. Or sweet snores from the couch.

Lil' C's Sweater

Pattern: Knitting Pure and Simple Baby Tunic #211

Yarn: Blue Moon Fiber Arts Superwash Worsted in Colorway Ruby Slippers
Needles: Sz 8 and 10! to achieve gauge

Here she is in all her glory. I am glad this is finally finished. Took a couple of months for me to finish. Pretty easy pattern. I did the cuffs and hem in seed stitch instead of garter stitch. And omitted the hood tie and casing and did a seed stitch border. I do love seed stitch! Finished with a button from my grandmother's collection that matches perfectly. I love the history it adds- made by mama with the touch of great-grama. Thanks Larissa for turning me on to the pattern!

Now that is completed, holiday knitting frenzy, here I come! Started a christmas present with some simple cables, my first time at cabling. It is turning out cute and fun to knit.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving with the in-laws is always interesting. We acutally had a nice time. I contributed an arugula salad with pear, fennel, carmelized-maple pecans and gorgonzola and a marionberry pie. Someone picked off and ate the edges of my pie crust before we even cut it. Can you believe it? How rude! Brothers-in-law confessed and sheepishly apologized. So, am I to take their crust thievery as a high compliment?

Am almost finished with the 1st sleeve on lil' c's sweater, should finish that tonight. Can't wait until it is done so I can start working on presents. Katie has become a crazy knitting fiend and the hats are flying off her needles. I am so jealous!

I am thankful for my sweet children and husband, dear friends, yummy wine and even whiny 1-yr-olds who are biting my new cashmere sweater.

Done!

Here she is. Knit with 1 skein ofLamb's Pride Bulky in Sable. I had a teeny bit left over. Adorned with a leather flowery pouf and wool bead I felted myself. It's cute and comfy and I love it. Thanks so much Larissa. I have had a blast.

Meathead is knitted!

So, it took 2 days, not 2 hours. Ok, I do have 3 kids to take care of, but sheesh. I LOVE IT! It is so stinkin' cute. I know I will knit many more, in the round probably, though my mattress stitch looks great, if I do say so myself. I will try to post pics tomorrow, haven't mastered that yet. And I still need to find a marvelous embellishment. I was able to knit with 1 skein with a teeny bit of yarn left over. I was doubtful for a bit, there.