We have been together since I was 18, together for half of my lifetime. Married for 16 years, parents for almost 14. Now our littlest is 2 and I feel like I am emerging from the fog of being mama to a non-sleeping infant. To be deprived of restful sleep for so very long, I have forgotten what it is like to be rested, to think clearly, to have energy. Even now, some nights are more restful than others and then I am thrust once again into the mist.
But now, the fog is clearing and I can see this man, my husband beside me and though we live together and parent together, I found myself longing to feel connected to him again. To act like best friends once again, to cherish each other. Instead we have been acting like two duelers, circling each other with swords drawn, shields raised, trying to nick the other just enough to draw blood.
I have been irritated with him, he impatient with me. And neither of us willing to take that first step into kindness because we have been too busy protecting ourselves.
I am not one to let things go on as they are and so we have begun to have conversations, tough ones, emotional for me. And it is like we are speaking two different languages. He does not understand what I long for, emotional connection (how's that for female speak?), passion for our family, balance in how he spends his time. I try to communicate with different words. I am tenacious, dogged, stubborn that way. As I process, I have had some important realizations. Our years as parents have been largely traumatic and stressful. That is not to say that we have not have peaceful, joyful times, but five stressful, complicated pregnancies, three premature infants with NICU stays, the death of Gavin, even Caroline's healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and homebirth was fraught with worry and stress. We have been living in survival mode for almost 14 years. These last 2 almost three years have been the hardest. Juggling three children, crazed sleep-deprivation and I have been in survival mode with no energy left over to give much, if anything to him. No wonder he is shying away from me, I have been unavailable and out of touch for a long time.
But, we are able to begin to hear one another. To lower our shields. To trust each other and move into tenderness and kindness again. I am humbled to be with this man. To walk beside him. To be the recipient of his grace with me.
This is the work of marriage. The ebbs and flows, the peaks and valleys. It is difficult at times, but it is good.
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3 comments:
Amen. That is the beauty of love, isn't it? It ain't just a feeling. If it were, we would all be in a lot of trouble. I applaud and appreciate your tenacity, my friend.
t - I hear you babe...I just read your last two posts and am encouraged by your "real-ness". This life is hard and it is such a process to grow up. I am glad you are fighting alongside me to become the woman you were meant to be and cultivating the marriage that you and Mike both want to nurture. God be with you xoxo
Thank you for sharing. You put so eloquently what I have been feeling in my own marriage. Reading this helped me fell less alone. Sleep deprivation is sooo hard.I have two young ones & haven't slept in years also.I know so much how you feel. I just stumbled upon your blog. Thanks!
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