treading water

...just trying to stay afloat. or have i fallen off the tight rope, unable to find my balance and catch myself? i have found myself thinking that anti-depressants don't sound so bad. today i self-medicated with caffeine, yes, 2 shots in a light-vanilla-latte. i am bone-weary, not tired or sleepy, just so very weary. i hate feeling out of control, unstable, sucked dry. spending too much time deep in my head, trying to find my way out. snapping too often at my dear children when they need something. where, oh where has my patience gone??? i know that everyone is tip-toeing around me right now. i remember tip-toeing around my mother. hate that i am reminding myself of her, back then. don't like this part of myself- don't like what i see. my family is getting the worst of me- truly my crap. i am not resigned to always being here in this place, just don't know how to climb out of the pit. i can see the light, just don't know what will pull me out. but i know i will get there. i see glimpses, glimmers of who i want to be . i will come back to health, will be whole again. i need some time for myself, which is hard to say- ask for, because the brunt falls on dear husband, who gives so much. i am already away for obligations, but that time is spent giving, giving- to others, which takes away from my family. i have overcommitted again, i need to let go of obligations. to remember that unless i am bored out of my head friggin' head, just say 'no'! unless it is just for me. for fun, for fulfillment, for some peace.

more ponderings. trying to figure out what kind of birth work i should be doing right now, if any. questioning my doula work, my cbe training. and then.... 3 inquiries in a week, 2 vbacs. wanting me? maybe. i find myself wanting to talk with them, to support them, i am passionate about this work. but not sure i have the energy. does it deplete me or recharge me? maybe both. maybe not right now, but i see that it can be both.

i am truly grateful for what i have. for a husband who loves me in spite of myself. for my three sweet children who do the same. for my health, my home. for dear friends who understand.

see, i feel better already.