Lost in Translation

There are some people who know your faults, your imperfections, but see them and love you in spite of them. And then there are those who don't. Who only see your faults and humanness and choose not to look any further.

We found our home through our next door neighbors. We met them at our church and they told us about our home and after checking in with them to see if they would accept us as neighbors, we bought our home. The lady of the house is talented and artistic and I hoped we would become great friends and that they would become like family to us. Things began well and for the first year or two we began to develop a friendship. And then.... I noticed a chill when I saw her. So, I retreated and tried to give her space. Their eldest daughter moved back, and I knew how close they were and, sure, thought I wasn't needed any more. Plus, I never wanted to be an imposition and rejection is my greatest fear, so, really tried to stay out of their way.

They moved to WA two years ago, and their daughter and her husband have been living there. They seemed to be a private couple and I am a middle-aged housewife with 3 kids, so why would she want to hang out with me? See a pattern here? Anyway, parent-former-neighbors visit periodically and our interactions have been getting chillier and chillier. It has bothered me for a very long time- I have been wondering what I did to offend her/them. Well, they were down the week before Christmas and the husband went across the street to our good friends to tell them that the house was going on the market and their daughter was getting a divorce. They didn't come to tell us. I did go over to talk with the mother and had, once again, a really chilly conversation. I slept horribly, wondering, so decided that I should go ask her. What's the worst that could happen, right? We have no contact outside of their visits to their daughter now, and will have none after the house is sold, so, I have nothing to lose. And knowing would be so much better that wondering forever. I prayed for the opportunity to present itself to allow me to have a chance to ask her- and it did. The dad and daughter both left together, so I put on my boots and told Mike I was heading over. Surprised even myself.

I knocked on the door and asked if I could come in to talk for a minute. I told her that at one point we had been friends, but now felt that we are not, that I felt a chill whenever we spoke and I am not sure what I had done to offend her and was there something I needed to ask forgiveness for. She said that it was in the past and that now there really was no need to talk about it. But I told her I was asking for clarity, and I really wanted to know. Well, she proceeded to tell me that I had no idea how smug I came across and I thought I was perfect and better than them and was judging them and that I was unfriendly. Of course, I was shocked and said that it wasn't ever my intent to come across that way, that I really cared for her and their whole family. She said I did come across that way, so I asked her for some examples. And boy, she gave me some- a lot really. Here are some examples: I would not say hi when I saw them in the driveway; that I didn't want a real relationship, that all I wanted was information from them and I would only ask them about the house because I wanted to get my hands on their house; that I was competitive, materialistic; that I was the food police and never wanted to eat their food; I complained about a friend being miffed when my toddler got crumbs and food in their really nice car, and my friend should have been miffed and 'let me have it'. (Dear friend did not remember the incident- I did, and we resolved it.) Well, needless to say, I was crying and kept saying that it was never my intent to make them feel that way. That I cared for her and only wanted her to like me, and to please forgive me for coming across that way. Much, much more was said. I am leaving a lot out. And our conversation actually ended well, she was gracious and said that this was the first real conversation we had had in a long time.

So, I came home and have been processing ever since. My first reaction was shock, disbelief, horror, shame. I did see some truth in the examples she gave, that in them, were elements of my selfishness and insecurity, but really my intent was only loving and self-protection. And many of the examples she gave were years old. Years old, like 4 or 5 years old. And she was angry- angry with me for all of those years. She had been carrying that anger and hostility around for years. That really shook me to the core. To know that someone was carrying that kind of negative energy toward me for years feels awful.

It felt like she saw all my nasty bits- those places and things you try to hide, that are deep down, and she focused on those, and only those. I felt like I had been on trial- tried and convicted, but never knew my crimes, nor that I was even on trial. And it wasn't just her- I know her husband, children, their spouses feel the same way about me- so, multiple people. That is a horrible feeling. And how many others out there in the world, feel that way about me?

And then I was grateful. Grateful to know the truth. And that her truth wasn't my truth. That I had only held her and her family in the highest regard, my intent had been honorable and good. I feel only sadness for her and the anger she chose to hold for me. I could see how one could choose to interpret my actions the way she did, but most people wouldn't. I mean, would you take it as a snub if I brought my own cup of tea to your house? Eating the way I do (or should) saved my life and my daughters' lives, so yes, I am picky about what I put into my body, but that is not a judgement on you and your choices. (More on my relationship with food at a later date.) And the funny thing is, that some of the things she accused me of- being judgemental for one, I am guilty of, but not with her. I thought highly of her and her family, put them on a pedestal, truthfully, thought they were better than me. Why would someone as cool and talented as they are want to be friends with lowly me. I am off my point here, back to feeling grateful now. I am grateful that she was honest with me, that I see that her perception was just that- her perception. That I have some really wonderful and dear friends and family that love me in spite of my nasty bits. Isn't that amazing and wonderful?!! So, those of you who do love me in spite of my many flaws- thank you and I am grateful for your love.

Lesson 2. This could have been resolved and many of the hard feelings avoided all together if either of us had asked the other what was going on. One simple question, and, of course being truthful with the other. I would have been truthful. I thought she didn't want to know me on a deeper level. And she could have questioned me- asked me if something was bothering me, or told me when I did or said something that bothered her. I do know that I did not have the courage to ask her before now. I wish I had, but I didn't. I am only just now, at 38, confronting my deepest fears and seeing them clearly for what they are. So, no, I could not have asked that really hard question, because I wasn't ready to handle the answer. But guess what? I am still here, standing, I didn't shrivel up into nothing or dissolve in a puddle. So, she doesn't like me. My counselor says, "There are some people who will always love you no matter what. There are some people who will never love you. There are some people who just don't know you." I think she falls into both the latter categories. She thought she knew me and chose to dislike that person. I think things could have been different if we had been able to truly communicate. I think we could have been great friends. That really saddens me. I take my share of that blame, but only half. I think that her brokenness and my brokenness were a bad combination. I still think she is an amazing person, just not my friend.

I will continue to process this as it feels huge. I wish I were still in the grateful stage. There were a few days there were I was so happy and joyful and thankful for what I do have- the blessings and good friends and wonderful family. Today I am in the scared phase again- scared of what people think of me. That feels icky.